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Rules Are Just Theories
Some things change...some stay the same.
I gave the friendship another try even though I knew this person was nothing but drama before.
Thought things would be different. Thought she grew up and that maybe marriage would prioritize her life a little bit.

No, not really. I don't judge her. She's told me things and people she's "friends" with have told me things. If I was ANYTHING like her I could tell her husband. I could show him those photos. But I would NEVER. I would NEVER do that to her because I'm not like that. If I don't like someone I just don't talk to them. It's that simple. I don't try to fuck with their life.
In truth I pity her. Everywhere I go people she's friends with make fun of her and her husband. I don't know anyone who likes her. It's because all she wants to do is be negative and talk shit about people.

I had no problem just moving on from her. She doesn't fit into my life. She's like a 12 year old girl. She claims she hates drama but she causes more of it than anyone. I stopped being friends with her months ago but she's like a roach infestation that just won't go away.
Doesn't matter. I don't care what she does. I just unfortunately hear about it everywhere I go because her loser friends love to talk as much shit as she does.

I never understood that about people...do you really think that when all you and your friends do is talk shit about other people that they DON'T go run and talk shit about you? I hope for your own sake you stop being so naive and get some new friends.
I really hate that shit turned out this way and if you had just been a better person and not so vindictive and mean spirited we could have stayed friends. Oh well. One less person I can't trust in my life.
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 For months I've wanted to run into him. To say all the things I never got to say. To flip out at him. To beat the shit out of him.
But the words wouldn't come. I listened as he apologized. As he expressed how he felt. His guilt. His regret. I was more than civil, I was understanding. I was kind. Until I hit him.
I always imagined when I finally was face to face with him and had the opportunity to punch him it would feel good. Just laying into him, making him hurt. Of course it'll never be as much as he made me hurt. I was  wrong. It didn't feel good. It made me sick. So I did it again, harder. God I wish he didn't look at me like that. After I hit him the 3rd time Kerri came over and stopped me. She took over and completely bitched him out for everything he did to me and I walked away because my knees were shaking and tears were going to come.

I could have beaten him until he wasn't even recognizable as a human but it wouldn't change anything. It would just make me like him and I never want to be anything like him.

It's just he hurt me so bad. She must have left him or something and he came crawling back to me realizing how fucking good he had it. I can't forgive him. He walked away from me and my son. I can never, ever forget the sound of his voice yelling at me, saying those hurtful words. It's burned in my head forever and I can still hear it. Sucks that he feels guilty and that he felt the need to show up at MY bar so he can apologize and get himself some closure, but niothing will EVER take away what he's done. I did NOT deserve it.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Kind of strange to have my family and a bunch of doctors pressuring me to take drugs. Aren't you people supposed to CARE about my well being. Where is the D.A.R.E officer when you have the threat of Lithium in your face?

 Fine, yea ok I KNOW I'm sick. I get that. I understand that I'm going to have this illness for my entire life and I do acknowledge all the damage I've done in just a year's time. I hate it and I hate that the rest of my life will pretty much be the same.

I know I can't keep this up forever and eventually I will be locked up for real. They'll only discharge me so many times before they say "Fuck it this girl's crazy".

Everyone wants me on meds. I guess drugs are a quick fix. Let's be honest it's a method of sedating me so I can't function enough to be a problem. I've done the meds thing before. I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't even change a diaper let alone play with my son. Yea maybe I'm insane and I struggle against everything and yea society doesn't like girls like me. But I'm ABLE to be a mother. Maybe not a perfect one but I can walk, I can talk, I can raise my child. If they put me on those damn bipolar meds I'll be little more than a drugged up vegetable. Not to mention the fact that drugs will absolutely make it impossible for me to connect with the Goddess and have any kind of spirituality.

What if my "imperfections" aren't really the flaws people want me to see them as. Maybe it's just who I am. Personality traits that some may find to be obnoxious, annoying or unsightly but it's just me. Seriously if I need to be on drugs to be "normal" then I don't ever want to be fucking normal! I want to be me and live my life with my son and my beliefs and my spirituality.

So sorry YOU have a problem with me. Sorry you don't know enough to actually BACK OFF when I tell you I need space. You don't respect my boundaries then you try to lock me up when I explode? Maybe I wouldn't have flipped out if you had just listened ANY of the 4 or 5 times I said "I'm gonna snap. Leave me alone. Give me space. I'm at a 9." Or the time I actually tried to leave the room, get out of the situation and you stood right in my way so I was trapped, yes TRAPPED in that volatile situation. But yea, I guess I'M the problem. Kinda like how a caged, tormented animal is ENTIRELY at fault when it gets the opportunity to bite back and takes it.

So I'm torn. Continue this way. Most of the time a nice enough girl who likes to meditate and hang with my friends and pretty much worship the ground my son walks on, but sometimes (like every other month maybe) A fucking tornado ripping apart the lives of those I love for a few days before wearing out and returning to normal...

Or I can be a junkie for government heroin and not be able to raise my child, take care of myself or have any sort of life whatsoever...but hey EVERYONE ELSE would be pleased as punch. Sometimes I'd like to take the pills just so I don't have to listen to them talk about how badly I need them....

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 It's my Birthday!!!

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 At Circles Of Wisdom in Andover a TON of great things are coming up! Anyone who wants to go with me send me a message and let me know! I have the dates up until May. jmoitoso@hotmail.com

It starts with the Winter Open House Saturday January 6th (My birthday FYI!) from 12-5pm. Free lectures all day and 10% off all merchandise! And trust me they have some AMAZING things in there!

SOME of the events I plan on attending include:
Be Skinny Now! -January 8th
Reiki Study Group (For Practitioners)- 2nd Thursday of every month)
Parenting Sensitive Children- January 20th
Energy! How we lose it, transform it and get more!- February 2nd
The Wisdom Of American Indian Healing- February 22nd
Embracing the Power of The Heart- February 24th
Exploring Your Qi for Your Mind and Body- March 11th
Power of Forgiveness- April 12th
Drum Building Workshop- April 13th
Celtic Mysticism, Moon Magic and Arthurian Mysteries- April 20th
If I am Creating My Own Reality, Why Am I Getting This?- April 23rd
Uncover Your Greatness- April 29th

These are just some, there are SO many more. If you're looking for something in particular let me know and I'll give you the date!

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Today I bought a drum. It's absolutely beautiful. Maple wood, steer hide. 18 inches. It has a black bird diving into the sky with a couple other birds flying in the background. I'm going to be curled up in a fetal position for a while crying over the price tag, but there was no way I was leaving that store without it.

When I saw it on the wall I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Before even touching it I appreciated how beautiful it is. Then when I held it and began to play it I began to get very, very attatched. The wheels started turning in my head as I tried to figure out how the hell I could afford it.

I could have put it back. It would have hurt, and the thought of someone else coming along and buying my drum really pissed me off. But I still could have put it back at that point...

Until one of the salesgirls showed me how to cleanse one's energy with it and did it to me. I felt the sound in every inch of my body and that did it. I was like "Yea I'm buying it." and she laughed. Tricky little minx...

Both salesgirls were talking about how much they loved that drum and had wanted it but they never bought it because it wasn't "theirs". It didn't call to them the way it called to me. It's funny because when I've tried to imagine what my drum would look like, the colors, the painting...I never envisioned this drum. I figured I'd get something with a horse, a fox, maybe an eagle. But there's no doubt in  my mind this drum is MY drum. It was made for me. It feels like falling in love. I don't know how long it's been hanging on the wall but the date inside written by the artist who made it says "05".

Now I just need to find a drumming circle. Unfortunately the beater that was made for it fell behind their shelves and they couldn't get it so they gave me another one in green and yellow leather. It's nice and I went with it because I was in such a daze from buying this insanely expensive, beautiful thing. But then when I got home I realized it actually is important to me that I have the beater that was made for it. So I called the store and asked if they can get it from behind the shelf and call me when they do and I'll come get it. They did and they're holding it for me for when I can go pick it up.

Well at least I got $200 for Christmas so MOST of what I paid for the drum was gift money anyway. The salesgirl cut me a decent deal too, knocked about $15 off and gave me the beater free. That store was amazing, there was so much I wanted to look at I could have been there all day but I just didn't have the time.

Meanwhile my friend John let me borrow his wife's Tibetan drum the other day. It's gorgeous. Brass bottom with leafs and flowers engraved in it. My son and I have been playing it together. I like it a lot but I don't get as many different sounds from it as I do with the drum I bought. Still a Tibetan drum is something I'd love to have someday.

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 Ok. Check this out.

"Love is kinda like when your heart burps up a butterfly."  ...........

Ok. All together now:


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 I used to draw hearts with your name in the middle.

Now I cry everytime I think of you.

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 Tonight I'm hopefully going to a Yule ritual lead by Christopher Penczak. I went to his Mabon ritual last September and a friend of mine briefly introduced me to him afterwards and we all had dinner. Everyone meets up at a resteraunt. Good stuff. Anyway he seems very nice. The Mabon ritual was excellent. I loved that during the meditation he played a drum. Drums excite me. The boom makes my spine tingle and my belly turn to jelly :) I want one. I'd bang the shit out of it.

Anyway I'm hoping the Yule ritual will be as good. My friend's band is playing at a bar tonight so afterwards I have to rush back to Billerica. I'm gonna be late but I'll make an appearance.

I can't believe it's already the 22nd. 2007 went by so fast. It was actually a pretty shitty year for me all in all. I'm trying to remain optimistic that 2008 will be better. It has to be. If I just make smarter choices it will be. 

As long as there is no more deaths, no more fires robbing me of my home and possessions and no more men stepping on me and carving my heart out of my chest I think I'll be ok  :)

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I just watched the movie "Alpha Dog". It was described as "gritty" and "unsettling". I have to say it really was...

but it's a wicked good movie.

Justin Timberlake really nailed it too. Say what you will about him but he really made that movie.

Oh Justin I hardly knew ye.

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